Every Cloud has a silver... JENOVA?!?!
by sephiroth1
Summary: This is a wacky story i wrote just for fun... what would happen if...?


_Sephiroth and Cloud are dozing in each other's arms. Both are butt-naked. The alarm clock on the bedside table next to them goes off._

BEEEEEEEP!! BEEEEEEEP!!

Cloud: (sleepily) Wha-?

Sephiroth: What the he- ARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHH!!!

Cloud: ARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHH!!!!! Nononononono!

Sephiroth: What are we doing? What WERE we doing? Why are we in the SAME BED?!?!

Cloud: (confused) Huh? Oh yeah that too

Seph: (even more confused) So what were you screaming about?

Cloud: Someone's been messing with my hair products! (close to tears)

Seph: Oh yeah that was me. (sheepishly) Sorry.

Cloud: (furious) WHAT!! You f***in bastard! You're gonna pay for this! YOU SUCK YOU SUCK YOU SUCK!!! (jumps out of bed and grabs Mythril Sabre off ground)

Seph: Hey! At least my hair smells nice now!

Cloud: (sniffs) Mmmmmm minty fresh!

Seph: (smiling broadly) You see?

_Just then footsteps can be heard from far off. Footsteps belonging to a pink-clad flower-girl by the name of –_

Cloud and Seph in unison: AERIS?!?!?!

Seph: Quick! Get into bed with me!

Cloud: (blushing) Oh, you!

Seph: I mean it! If we pretend we're an item she won't bother us!

Cloud: (pained) Pretend?! But I thought we WERE an item! I mean, I've given everything to you! My heart, my virginity, even my Sailor Moon cards!

Seph: YOU WERE A BABY! YOU DIDN'T HAVE CANDY! YOU HAD NOTHING ELSE THAT I COULD TAKE! But forget that, get in!

Cloud: Whatever you say, sugar buns!! (jumping into bed with Seph)

Seph: Don't. Touch. Me.

_Aeris bursts into the room, wearing nothing but a teeny G-string and see through blouse._

Aeris: Yoo-hoo, Cloud!! Oh there you! And Sephy-baby too! My my, this is a raunchy gathering. (winking)

Cloud: Go away! Me and Seph are screwing!

Seph: (aghast) NO! NO! I mean

_Time froze. Well Aeris did at least. Well, at least she stopped gyrating her hips._

Seph: This is weird.

Cloud: (nodding) Freaky as!

Seph: What the hell is going on? What unseen forces are working against us?

Cloud: Unseen? You mean, as in we can't see them? Yikes! (jumps up from bed) My gels! My hair sprays! My scrunchies! (grabs them into arms)

Seph: Calm down man! I mean kid. Don't you see? Something else is controlling us! We're doing things we wouldn't normally be doing! Well except for you that is. You've always been a loser.

Cloud: (nodding sadly) Yeah.

Seph: But forget that. We need to find out what's going on.

_The door opens again. This time, Vincent comes in._

Vincent: Cloud Strife, you are needed below. (turns to go – then turns back and winks) Nice buns. (exits)

Seph: Now, I KNOW Vincent would never do that.

Cloud: (shiftily) Well

Seph: LET'S GO AND FIND THE PERSON WHO'S BEEN DOING THIS TO US!

Author: Teh, look no further. Here I am.

Seph: (looking around) What? Who said that?

Author: It's me. The author. The person who has you under my complete control. I can make you do aaaaaanything I want.

Cloud: ARGH! Even make me dye my hair pink?

Author: (proudly) yep.

Cloud: (excited) Cool, do it then!

Author: Err later. Right now, I want to have some fun.

Seph: Oh, right, and you think we're just going to stand around and let you do it?

Author: Yes.

Seph: Think again. (picks up masumune blade. And promptly drops it on his foot)

Seph: AARRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!! THAT HURT YOU F***IN BITCH! 

_An anvil falls on his head._

Author: What a classic. And no profanity please. This fic is rated G.

Cloud: A fic? As in an ice fic?

Seph: That's a PICK you loser.

Cloud: (confused) So what's a fic?

Author: (patiently) This is a fanfic. This is a fanfic about you. You are characters in this fanfic.

Seph: WHAT?!! A character?!?! So we're not real?

Cloud: Man, that sucks! Let's get her Seph!

_A furious fight ensues, wherein our heroes get battered with their own weapons._

Author: You're trying to rebel NOW? After 2 years of being under my power?

Seph: What?!?! So all that time..

Cloud: We were just a figment of your imagination?

_Loud applause is heard._

Cloud: What's that?

Author: Congratulations. You just said your first 11-letter word.

Cloud: (proudly) Cool!

Seph: Oh god. Where's Jenova when you need her?

Cloud: Jenova? As in your extra-hot mum? 

Seph: WHAT?!?! You have a crush on my mum?! You better stay away from her you punk!

Cloud: Hey. Don't blame me. The feeling's mutual.

Seph: No. No way. JENOVA!!

_Suddenly the clouds open and down descends Jenova, the gold band around her head sparkling with rain._

Jenova; Hey Sephy! Hi Cloud! (blows a kiss)

Cloud: Hey babe!

_Cloud and Jenova start making out on the bed._

Seph: ARGH!

_He turns his eyes skywards._

Seph: Please Author person, get me outta here. I don't care what you do to me, just GET ME OUT!! PLEASE I'M BEGGING YOU!! (full out crying) THIS IS TERRIBLE! TERRRRRIBLLLLE!!

Author: (thinks) Okay okay, just hang on.

_Change of scene. Sephiroth is now in a small, claustrophobic chamber with depressing black walls. He is tied up, lying on the ground._

Seph: Er hello? Anyone here?

_Someone emerges from the shadows._

Someone: (deep voice) Hello, Sephiroth.

Seph: (nervous) Um, who are you?

Someone: (moves into the light) It's me!

Seph: (screams) NO! It's Mukki!

Mukki: You got that right, baby! Come to papa!

_And with this he jumps on top of Seph's naked struggling body._

_Seph's screams resounds throughout the night._

The end.

Or is it?!


End file.
